So, I just started writing something more serious but still kinda short. And I would like to hear your thoughts about it.
Still alive
Prologue:
I woke up with a cold running down my spine. I shivered when I realized my cover was covering only my shin. When I slowly pulled the cover back over me I looked out the window and I saw the snow falling slowly on oak tree outside. I sat down for five minutes just watching the snow fall on that oak tree. I got dressed rather quickly after staring outside since I heard the wind whistle outside. I was just about to go collect some wood from the back yard when I got a very weird phone call. And that’s how everything started.
Chapter 1: A great discovery
When I woke up from a sleep that felt like an eternity I found myself lying on the kitchen floor. I could lie there for hours trying to get up, but not a single muscle in my body would listen to me. I have been lying on the kitchen floor for over two days. In the last ten minutes I’ve been trying to move my fingertips as they are feeling cold, almost as if they were frozen.
After trying for over one hour I gave up, my first tough was now I’m dead. Even when all hope fades away you should always believe, even if you believe in the simplest things. That day I believed that I would be able to move my fingertips, shortly after telling myself that over and over in my head I managed to move one of my fingers on my right hand. Suddenly I could feel someone grabbing my arm and pulling me up. I got up, but I couldn’t stand straight so I leaned against the kitchen sink. I started looking around me to find that I’m all alone in the kitchen. Whatever it was that helped me that day I know it had a reason to.
When the shock settled I realized that I was very hungry. I walked up to the fridge to grab something quick to eat. Opened the fridge and noticing that it’s completely empty. I could barely remember the last week but I was pretty sure I went shopping for groceries last Thursday. I didn’t think more about that.
Later that afternoon I went to the nearby McDonalds to grab something to eat. I barely touched the hamburger because I weren't really hungry. I keep asking myself the question - If hamburgers won’t do the trick, what will.
After 35 minutes I took the car back home again after just sitting at McDonalds. The staff even asked if there was something wrong with the food that I ordered. I quickly replied no and walked away. They must have thought there was something wrong with me, maybe they are right.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there is something wrong with me. Something within me changed that day. I’m not feeling like I used to feel. I thirst for something, something weird.
Story.
Re: Story.
I just got out bed after not being able to sleep for two hours, so I'm a bit groggy. But I'll give a few pointers now, and probably get back on it tomorrow when I'm a bit clearer.
The first thing I noticed was that you keep starting almost every sentence with 'I'. What this does is breaking up the flow for the reader. You want the reader to keep a good pace so that the story feels natural. Another thing is that you keep repeating words, even in the same sentence. This has the same effect. I'll give you an example.
In short the protagonist woke up from feeling cold since he had kicked off his covers. You also mentioned that it's winter. So here we have a couple of tools to fill the blanks. Could the protagonist live in an old house with poor isolation? Would an old house fit the feel of the rest of the story? If not, maybe a window was left open. Probably not by the protagonist himself (or at least not intentionally) since it's, as said, winter.
One last thing before I'm off to bed again is the content and point of the prologue. It's there to start of or at least hint at the following story and setting. You've got the setting, even if it's not painting a very vivid picture of it. But you haven't really left the reader with anything significant other than the fact that it's winter outside and that the protagonist have trouble sleeping.
As said, I'm a bit tired so this may come of as random gibberish. I've played around with creative writing myself though, and I'd be happy to help you out if you want. There are quite a few other things to I can come to think of when reading this, but I'll collect my thoughts on them tomorrow morning over a nice cup of coffee.
The first thing I noticed was that you keep starting almost every sentence with 'I'. What this does is breaking up the flow for the reader. You want the reader to keep a good pace so that the story feels natural. Another thing is that you keep repeating words, even in the same sentence. This has the same effect. I'll give you an example.
Another thing to point out about this part of the text is that it's not really coherent. There are a lot of things that you can flesh out to really pain a picture of the scene. You mentioned the oak, which is a good way of doing this. But it's not really enough here.Decei wrote:I woke up with a cold running down my spine. I shivered when I realized my cover was covering only my shin. When I slowly pulled the cover back over me I looked out the window and I saw the snow falling slowly on oak tree outside. I sat down for five minutes just watching the snow fall on that oak tree.
In short the protagonist woke up from feeling cold since he had kicked off his covers. You also mentioned that it's winter. So here we have a couple of tools to fill the blanks. Could the protagonist live in an old house with poor isolation? Would an old house fit the feel of the rest of the story? If not, maybe a window was left open. Probably not by the protagonist himself (or at least not intentionally) since it's, as said, winter.
One last thing before I'm off to bed again is the content and point of the prologue. It's there to start of or at least hint at the following story and setting. You've got the setting, even if it's not painting a very vivid picture of it. But you haven't really left the reader with anything significant other than the fact that it's winter outside and that the protagonist have trouble sleeping.
As said, I'm a bit tired so this may come of as random gibberish. I've played around with creative writing myself though, and I'd be happy to help you out if you want. There are quite a few other things to I can come to think of when reading this, but I'll collect my thoughts on them tomorrow morning over a nice cup of coffee.
Balls, Cube, Deems, Google [Bot]
Re: Story.
Thank you Cube! Hope you're able to sleep well so you can continue helping me on this tomorrow!
Retired Game Master.
Re: Story.
There. It's way past morning, and I've had quite a bit more than just the morning coffee at this point.
I just looked over your work again, and it's gonna be hard to help you if I don't have a broad sense of the story and where it's gonna lead. There are details that I can point out (and to some extent did in my previous post), but it won't really matter since I don't know anything about the story except the small part you've shared here.
So instead of focusing on correcting details I'll just throw my general approach to writing a story out there.
When I get an idea for a story I try to focus on the broad aspects of it before I go into details. The idea could be anything from a character that I find interesting, a cool setting or a theme I want to communicate in some way. Once I've got that I try to build the story by splitting it into acts. Usually I go with three acts, but some stories (in most cases longer ones) is better done with four. You can do it with two or five (or six, seven, eight...) as well, but I try not to. But for the sake of simplicity let's say I'm going with three. The first act is where I introduce the main story elements. The protagonist, the setting, the plot etc. Naturally the first is followed by the second act where things start to happen. Here the readers have probably gotten a general idea and feel for the characters and setting, so I can move forward with fleshing out what the story is really about. In most cases this is the longest act where the plot starts to blossom and pieces of the puzzle starts to fall into place. And last comes the third act which is the conclusion of the story.
Another thing I try to get a feel for before going into the details are the theme and mood of the story. The theme is what the story is actually about. For example, the theme for Fight Club is how the society and media have made us slaves under the tyrannical heel of consumerism. The mood is the atmosphere of the story. This is best done with background elements such as seasons, weather, setting etc. A couple of easy (and very transparent) examples are the fall, which can be used to symbolize the end of something. Just as the fall is the end of summer. If you want to create suspense a storm might be a good idea. This is as said just a few general examples, it still has to fit the story in question.
If I somehow get stuck somewhere here which in my case is usually that I tunnel-vision a specific part of the story, writing it down always helps. At least it does for me. If I can't see the broader sense of the story because I'm too stuck in a specific scene or a character I just write it down to both get it out of my head and get a feel about what it is that's in my way. Sometimes when I've done this I see what it is that bothers me, and in other cases it serves as inspiration for me to continue with the rest.
When I've reached this point I usually start writing on the specifics. In most cases I start with the first act, and since I know where the story is going and the general content of this act I have a goal, and it just gets much easier. Before I know it it's all done, and I can move on. Of course there are always things you change as you go, you're almost never 100% sure of how every little detail will progress as the story moves along.
The last thing I do is go over what I've written a couple of times and correct the sentence structure (don't know if this is the correct term), the grammar and spell-check it. I usually ask someone else to read it as well and get their input. Sometimes even more than just one so I can compare the feedback and suggestions that I get, and mold it into a form I'm happy with myself.
As soon as I'm happy with what I've written it's basically done.
I just looked over your work again, and it's gonna be hard to help you if I don't have a broad sense of the story and where it's gonna lead. There are details that I can point out (and to some extent did in my previous post), but it won't really matter since I don't know anything about the story except the small part you've shared here.
So instead of focusing on correcting details I'll just throw my general approach to writing a story out there.
When I get an idea for a story I try to focus on the broad aspects of it before I go into details. The idea could be anything from a character that I find interesting, a cool setting or a theme I want to communicate in some way. Once I've got that I try to build the story by splitting it into acts. Usually I go with three acts, but some stories (in most cases longer ones) is better done with four. You can do it with two or five (or six, seven, eight...) as well, but I try not to. But for the sake of simplicity let's say I'm going with three. The first act is where I introduce the main story elements. The protagonist, the setting, the plot etc. Naturally the first is followed by the second act where things start to happen. Here the readers have probably gotten a general idea and feel for the characters and setting, so I can move forward with fleshing out what the story is really about. In most cases this is the longest act where the plot starts to blossom and pieces of the puzzle starts to fall into place. And last comes the third act which is the conclusion of the story.
Another thing I try to get a feel for before going into the details are the theme and mood of the story. The theme is what the story is actually about. For example, the theme for Fight Club is how the society and media have made us slaves under the tyrannical heel of consumerism. The mood is the atmosphere of the story. This is best done with background elements such as seasons, weather, setting etc. A couple of easy (and very transparent) examples are the fall, which can be used to symbolize the end of something. Just as the fall is the end of summer. If you want to create suspense a storm might be a good idea. This is as said just a few general examples, it still has to fit the story in question.
If I somehow get stuck somewhere here which in my case is usually that I tunnel-vision a specific part of the story, writing it down always helps. At least it does for me. If I can't see the broader sense of the story because I'm too stuck in a specific scene or a character I just write it down to both get it out of my head and get a feel about what it is that's in my way. Sometimes when I've done this I see what it is that bothers me, and in other cases it serves as inspiration for me to continue with the rest.
When I've reached this point I usually start writing on the specifics. In most cases I start with the first act, and since I know where the story is going and the general content of this act I have a goal, and it just gets much easier. Before I know it it's all done, and I can move on. Of course there are always things you change as you go, you're almost never 100% sure of how every little detail will progress as the story moves along.
The last thing I do is go over what I've written a couple of times and correct the sentence structure (don't know if this is the correct term), the grammar and spell-check it. I usually ask someone else to read it as well and get their input. Sometimes even more than just one so I can compare the feedback and suggestions that I get, and mold it into a form I'm happy with myself.
As soon as I'm happy with what I've written it's basically done.
Balls, Cube, Deems, Google [Bot]
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